Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, emotional wellbeing, and mental health. Yet, for many people, especially those raised in tight-knit families, shared cultures, or communities where self-sacrifice is normalized, setting boundaries can feel confusing, uncomfortable, or downright taboo.

At Anchor Within Counseling, we frequently hear from clients who say:

• “I feel guilty saying no, even when I’m overwhelmed.”

• “In my family, boundaries are seen as disrespectful.”

• “I don’t even know what my boundaries are, let alone how to set them.”

If you’ve ever struggled with boundaries, you are not alone and you are not failing. Boundary-setting is a skill, one that can be learned and practiced over time. More importantly, setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish, cold, or pushing people away. It’s about protecting your mental health, preserving your energy, and creating space for relationships that feel balanced and respectful.

In this post, we’ll explore why boundaries can be so hard to set, especially in cultural or family systems where they feel taboo and how you can begin practicing this essential act of self-care.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Boundaries are the emotional, physical, and mental limits we set to protect our wellbeing. They help define:

• What you are comfortable with

• What behaviors are acceptable or unacceptable from others

• What you are and are not responsible for

• How you care for yourself while showing up in relationships

Boundaries are not about controlling others. They are about clearly communicating your needs, limits, and expectations so you can maintain healthy, respectful connections.

Examples of boundaries might include:

• Saying “no” to requests that drain your energy

• Asking for privacy or space when needed

• Limiting conversations around triggering topics

• Not answering work emails outside of work hours

• Taking a break from relationships that feel harmful or overwhelming

• Choosing how much personal information you share

When boundaries are clear and respected, relationships tend to feel safer, more balanced, and more fulfilling.

Why Are Boundaries So Hard to Set?

Even when we know boundaries are healthy, setting them can feel uncomfortable, especially for those from cultures or family systems that value self-sacrifice, collectivism, or hierarchy.

Here are a few reasons boundaries can feel so challenging:

1. Cultural and Family Expectations

In many BIPOC families and communities, boundaries can be misunderstood as rejection or disrespect. Cultural values like interconnectedness, loyalty, and caretaking are beautiful, but they can also create pressure to:

• Always be available to family, regardless of your capacity

• Avoid saying "no" to elders or authority figures

• Prioritize others’ needs over your own wellbeing

• Keep personal struggles private to avoid “embarrassing” the family

• Avoid open discussions about emotional needs or mental health

These dynamics can make boundary-setting feel like breaking unspoken family rules, even when it’s necessary for your mental health.

2. Fear of Conflict or Rejection

Setting boundaries can stir up fears like:

• “What if they get mad or disappointed?”

• “What if I lose the relationship altogether?”

• “What if they think I’m selfish or cold?”

These fears are valid, especially if your past experiences taught you that asserting your needs leads to conflict, criticism, or withdrawal of love.

3. Lack of Practice and Role Models

If you didn’t grow up seeing healthy boundaries modeled, it can be hard to know what they even look like and let alone how to set them.

Many people default to:

• Over-giving and people-pleasing

• Avoiding hard conversations altogether

• Letting resentment build up until it explodes

Boundary-setting is a skill most of us have to learn as adults, often through trial, error, and self-compassion.

4. Trauma and Emotional Wounds

Unresolved trauma, especially from family, relationships, or systemic oppression, can erode your sense of safety and self-worth, making boundaries feel impossible. You might:

• Struggle to believe you deserve respect

• Feel hypervigilant and unable to trust your instincts

• Have trouble differentiating between healthy discomfort and unsafe situations

In these cases, therapy, especially trauma-informed and culturally responsive therapy, can help rebuild your sense of agency and support boundary-setting in a way that feels safe and empowering.

Why Boundaries are Vital for Mental Health

When boundaries are weak or unclear, you may experience:

• Chronic stress or anxiety

• Resentment and emotional exhaustion

• Burnout, especially for caregivers and helping professionals

• Codependency or enmeshment

• Struggles with identity and self-worth

• Feeling overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or invisible

On the other hand, setting boundaries can:

• Reduce anxiety and burnout

• Improve emotional regulation

• Strengthen self-esteem

• Improve communication in relationships 

• Create space for joy, rest, and personal growth

• Break harmful generational or cultural patterns

In therapy, including individual therapy, family therapy, and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills groups, we often help clients develop practical tools to set boundaries with confidence and care.

How to Start Practicing Boundaries: Simple, Accessible Steps

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to happen all at once. You can start small and build your confidence over time. Here are some accessible ways to begin:

1. Get Clear on Your Needs

You can’t set boundaries if you don’t know what you need. Take time to reflect:

• What drains your energy or feels overwhelming?

• What behaviors cross your emotional or physical comfort zone?

• What would help you feel more respected, supported, or safe?

Your needs are valid, even if they look different from others in your family or community.

2. Start with Small, Low-Stakes Boundaries

If boundaries feel intimidating, begin with small steps. For example:

• Saying “I need a few minutes to myself” after a stressful conversation

• Turning your phone on “Do Not Disturb” for a set period each day

• Politely declining non-essential tasks or invitations

Each small boundary you set builds your confidence for bigger ones.

3. Use Clear, Respectful Communication

Healthy boundaries are about clarity, not confrontation. You can assert your needs with kindness. For example:

• “I care about our relationship, and I need to set some limits to protect my mental health.”

• “I can’t take that on right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”

• “I’d love to support you, but I need to recharge first. Can we talk later?”

It’s okay to be firm and direct, without being harsh or disrespectful.

4. Expect Discomfort and Hold Steady

Boundary-setting often feels uncomfortable at first, especially if it disrupts old patterns. People may:

• Test your boundaries

• Guilt you into changing your mind

• Get upset or withdrawn

This doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Discomfort is a normal part of breaking cycles. With time and consistency, healthy people will adjust, and harmful dynamics will become clearer.

5. Get Support Through Therapy or Peer Connection

You don’t have to practice boundaries alone. Therapy can help you:

• Explore cultural, family, or trauma-related challenges with boundaries

• Practice assertive communication through role-play

• Process feelings like guilt, fear, or anxiety

• Build confidence and self-worth

• Learn DBT skills for emotional regulation and boundary-setting

Peer support groups can also offer encouragement, accountability, and cultural validation.

Boundaries are a Form of Self-Love and Community Care

In cultures where boundaries feel taboo, it’s important to remember:

• You can love your family and set boundaries

• You can honor your culture and protect your peace

• You can care for your community and care for yourself

Healthy boundaries don’t isolate you from others; they create space for more authentic connection, mutual respect, and sustainable relationships.

Ready to Begin? We’re Here to Help

At Anchor Within Counseling, we specialize in helping individuals and families navigate the complex, often emotional journey of setting boundaries, especially within BIPOC communities where cultural expectations add extra layers to the process.

Through individual therapy, family therapy, DBT skills, and culturally responsive support, we can help you:

• Break harmful generational or relational patterns

• Practice boundary-setting with confidence and care

• Reclaim your time, energy, and emotional peace

• Build stronger, healthier relationships with yourself and others

You deserve relationships that nourish, not drain you. You deserve to protect your peace. You deserve boundaries.

If you’re ready to start, request services today. Let’s build the foundation for healthier relationships and better mental health, one boundary at a time.